Esther: A hot young California girl celebrating her 26th birthday in Las Vegas.
Laura: Accomplice #1 (28 year old Cali girl...close friend to Esther)
Evelyn: Accomplice #2 (26 year old Cali girl...close friend to Esther)
Me: I'm Ann Onymous...remember?
Gigi: A small reference to Gigi exists, so for that reason Gigi will be depicted. A tiny ass Yorkie terrier.
The setting: Esther's 26th birthday, August 30th, Las Vegas, NV
Laura and Evelyn make arrangements to surprise Esther by taking her to a classy strip club in Vegas, that happens to be and "All Nude" show.
They've read reviews on-line and have heard that it's a good place to go. Not exactly Thunder from Down Under...but, a smaller, yet upscale place, called Palomino's.
I picture a ballroom type setting. High ceilings...tablecloth covered tables that drape to the floor...low amber lighting...hot young hunks with gorgeous grins serving drinks without their shirts displaying cut abs, tanned muscular chests and biceps you could hang a tree swing from.
I don't know that I pictured much more than that...
I had hoped to have been surprised by the actual striptease and well-endowed men that would follow. I pictured lap dances and screaming catcalls from otherwise classy women who would love the opportunity to slip into a hotel room with any one of the hot guys from the show.
All of us dress up for our night out. We spend a little extra time deciding on just the right outfit and shoes and looking our best.
We spend a good couple hours in our hotel room drinking before leaving for the show. We all have a really good buzz...I know I do. A friend of Evelyn's, Faby, picks us up outside our hotel and chauffers us to the location.
We inform Esther that she has to wear a blindfold...but she was having an amazing eyelash night. Her eyelashes looked like they belonged on the pages of Cosmo that night...not smashed down with a blindfold...so, in an effort to be a good sport and truly wanting to be surprised by her friends on her birthday...Esther opts to keep her eyes covered and let us lead her to our destination.
When we arrive, I lead Esther through the parking lot...not having the sobriety to check out my surroundings and realize that this might not be the classiest place in Vegas...about a 10 minute drive off Las Vegas strip.
Not being the most sober guide, I lead Esther through the parking lot...and a couple pot holes. She tells me a couple times..."um...you could have let me know there was a hole there." "Sorry! I'm buzzed!"
We walk up a ramp and into the strip club. The entrance reminds me of an old Pizza Hut restaurant. We pay $20 at the door (My first clue?), get stamped and walk-in. It looks like a smoky pool hall without pool tables. There's wall to wall black carpet and weird, colored lighting. No hot guys there to wait on us...we have to order from the bar of which the choices are beer and mixed drinks.
I guide Esther to her chair and let her know it's okay to sit down. We sit there and I make sure she keeps her eyes covered. She waits patiently.
Soon the emcee in a corner of the room attempts to "get this party started" and asks us if we're ready! He announces the first guy coming up. I tell Esther, "Honey...I think you know where you're at, right?" Esther, still covering her eyes, nervously nods her head, yes. Out of the back of the small building, comes a short, black man. He's dressed in a white cowboy hat and a cowboy outfit. He dances down the ramp that leads to the center of the room complete with a stripper pole. It's very dark in there...and he's very dark in there. After seeing the guy, I tell Esther..."I just want you to know that I had nothing to do with this...I just helped bring you here. Oh my God, sweetie...I hate to do this to you and for you to have to uncover your eyes...I'm gonna warn you...he looks like Rick James in a cowboy hat and gold chaps!" I sadly inform Esther that she can uncover her eyes now. Esther uncups her hands from her face and yells, "Oh HELLL No!!!"
After he takes off the cowboy we get a better view of him and I say, "It's Rudy Huxtable with a hard on!!!"
Actually, that's a little misleading...there was no hard-on...it might be better described as "floppage"
Soon, he takes off the chaps and now he's dancing only in a white sheath that covers his ewwwwwww. It looks like a white satin sock with a lot of fringe that sways when he ewwwwwww. He lays on the floor and in a poor attempt at being sexy, does a move that looks kind of like, "the worm" as he dry humps the carpet. Then turns over on his back and thrusts his pelvis into the air. When he's floundering around on the floor, all in the name of a dollar bill or two...I think...what a thoroughly disgusting and pathetic display of a man.
He does a lap dance across the room for a woman who looks to be in her 40's. She appears to be enjoying herself. She even lets him put his face between her breasts. I think we're all in disbelief at this point.
Soon, he's headed in our direction. I feel some maternal instinct to protect Esther who has this "Oh Shit!" look on her face. As he saunters over to our party, behind Evelyn's back, I point at her repeatedly. He comes over and gives Evelyn a lap dance. Evelyn turns her face to the side and looks our direction with a look on her face that says "don'ttouchme/don'ttouchme/don'ttouchme"...and.....it's over...Evelyn survives.
He turns his attention to Esther. I put my arms around Esther almost hugging her from the side...in an attempt to make him keep his distance. He comes toward her anyway and I move aside. He looks as if he's going to put his face in her chest and opens his mouth. Quickly, Esther shoves a folded dollar bill in his mouth. Even he has to laugh.
They announce the next guy up...he comes out with some sort of mask on. It reminds me of a football fan when they paint the team's colors in stripes down their face. I don't remember what his costume was...but he took it off and exposed his very boyish physique. Just then Laura yells, "Shit! Gigi has more muscles than him!!!"
Next thing we know, the all nude portion of the show begins...and he's coming our direction! We bolt...practically upsetting our chairs as we run from the guy. Esther and I run to the back of the room, where there's a restroom. The emcee says into the microphone..."What are you ladies running from? If you wanted to see just oiled chests, you should have gone to another club...this is the ALL NUDE show."
When we come out of the restroom, the other girls are done. They're like..."Let's get the hell outta here!" We waste no time. I stop for a sec to give one of the guys who works there a piece of my mind...I shake my finger at him and say, "You should be ashamed of yourself charging for this shit...your momma raised you better than this." Damn! How fucked up was I to actually say that?
As Esther and I are running out of the place and down the ramp, Evelyn and Esther, who are behind us, are yelling for us to wait. They yell, "You're not gonna believe THIS SHIT...come over here!" We walk back up the ramp to see Laura standing there pointing to her dress...and a penny-size wet spot she acquired during the lap dance.
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