Cut me off!

I realized something this weekend. It is more fun to have a few drinks...okay several drinks...and then cut yourself off. The fun part is when you realize that you are the most sober person amongst your friends and acquaintances who are now making total asses of themselves. You should, however, coast on a slight buzz, so that you can make occasional smart ass comments to encourage more stupid behavior from those around you.
This past weekend I realized just how pathetic it is to see a guy's shattered ego. Let's see, I think this Monday will be "pick on Eddie Day". Eddie was 28 years old, and said that he was 5'5"...but I think he was reading 55 inches when he measured himself. Eddie was completely intoxicated when I was first introduced to him. Eddie's friend, Gary, introduced him as "Mini Me". Eddie was mumbling something about his mother being a prostitute from Tijuana...and I thought, "God...if your mom really was a prostitute from Tijuana---why would you be bragging about it?" He later indicated that she was from Rhode Island...apparently she grew up on the wrong side of Rhode Island!
Eddie was quite the character. He was apparently going bald, although that was not initially apparent because of the beanie he wore all evening. After a couple good hours looking at the beanie, Gary made mention that Eddie looked like he was wearing a condom on his head. It didn't help matters that his beanie was white. After I made some correlation about the white filled tip of a condom and his white beanie...it was on. Gary shouted, "Hey Bud! She said that you look like the ___ filled tip of a condom!!!" Eddie proceeded to call me an asshole several times and say that he couldn't believe I would say that...after he'd been thinking I was so beautiful...and that "I (had) had him at hello." I never even fucking said hello. I would've thought "bitch" might have been more appropriate after the candid condom comment...but I must admit that being called an asshole made me feel like one of the guys. I adamantly denied to Eddie that I had said what I had been so wrongly accused of, in the most believable, "Oh my God! I did NOT SAY THAT!!!" Even pinky-swearing (I'm going to Hell!) that I hadn't said it, and questioning Eddie as to whether he had actually HEARD me say it. Which, I might add, is so fun to do to a drunk person.
Out of the five, the four of us stayed up all night. Had I been drinking, I likely would've tired out sometime before 3:00 a.m....but with the frozen rattlesnake, dance contest, and all of Gary's snoring going on...it was enough to keep me entertained for hours. It was also daylight savings time, so that burned up a whole hour in no time flat!
It was, in fact, during the dance contest (grinding) that was going on between Monique and Eric, that I was sitting next to Eddie on the loveseat. Eddie looked at me and said, "You know, they probably don't want us watching them dance...so we should probably make out." I said, "yeah" before repeating mentally in my head what Eddie had just proposed, and then, looked at him and said, "What???!!!" He looked at me so intoxicatedly and said, "Can I kiss you?" and proceeded to come at me with apple puckered lips...okay, it was Crown...but nevertheless...
I quickly turned my head from the fast approaching gesture of affection (or intoxication?) and into the leather of the loveseat between us. Whew!!! I knew he'd missed his target when I felt wetness on my nose and cheek...and I simultaneously whimpered..."I'm not interested!!!"
Eddie paused for a few seconds as I cringed, curled in the fetal position. Not wanting our friends to know about his his failed attempt at kissing me, he said, "Okay...let's just pretend."